Faecal Opportunities: A Royal Flush

Originially published in Exeposé 25th Anniversary Issue. I still don’t know why.

Make a splash in the best john on campus as Marcus Beard, Games Editor, watches the thrones.

Sometimes, unloading your greasy, bean-filled log into just any old water closet doesn’t cut it. As your bowels squeeze out the digested remnants of yesterday’s gorging, it’s nice to be somewhere with comfort, taste, and style. Grind some beef, unbuckle your belt and place your cheeks upon this tour of Exeter’s luscious lavatories.

Ram & Forum – 2*
Almost impossible to tell apart, these two excrement halls share the same trough-style sinks and warped mirrors. The seemingly complete inability to deal with any stool larger than an aborted squirrel is forgiven by the spaciousness of each commode. These toilets share a wall, so one has to wonder; why make two mediocre fecal depositories instead of one poo-poo paradise. Expect to find vomit in every cubicle Thursday – Saturday.

Knightley – 4*
As building that requires a £15 music card for entry, you might feel as if you’re checking into an exclusive high-class gentlemen’s club as you enter the large lounge with a grand wooden staircase. This music department building has the feel of the rural prep school and the toilets are no different. A collection of out of use noticeboards and a paint-stained, chipped mirror decorate the room. A delightfully vintage raised tank make you feel like you could be shitting in the 50s, and the spine-shiveringly cold seat create a visceral, if not particularly comfortable, experience.

Clayden – 3*
Another members-only building. Notoriously cold in winter, the gent’s room is located right in the centre and seems to avoid any temperature issues. While it possesses some of the ‘hide in the lavatory so matron doesn’t find me skipping chapel’ nostalgia of Knightley, the small box room is thoroughly less interesting. While you will usually have the building to yourself, the thin walls mean you will be very aware of any other occupants, which can lead to some awkward encounters. Particularly if you’ve only gone in there to take a shit.

Queens – 3*
After chowing down on a baked treat or filled baguette, this bog-hole is a smart choice to unload your bowels into the bowl before a lecture. It has a faux-luxury feel, like something you’d find in a budget business hotel or an airport lounge. Some may enjoy this familiarity, but I felt like I was being somewhat lied to, particularly as the lack of a coat hook risked my coat being soaked in day-old effluent.

Peter Chalke – 2*
Extraordinarily busy during peak times, every student will have used this at some point their excretion career. A small room with a surprisingly high number of urinals, the PCC toilets allow for some very inter-personal experiences and conversations – providing your pee buddy is up for it. A touchless flush system keeps occupants hygienic for when that burrito was a little too heavy on the salsa. Crampt and gimmicky. Use only in desperation.

Amory – 5*
The expansive toilet mecca that should have been in The Forum. 6 sinks, 7 cubicles and countless urinals. Perhaps I caught it just after cleaning, but the entire space was spotless. With a  simple white and blue colour scheme, Amory doesn’t try to be anything it’s not – as Queens does. It’s a place where you shit, and it’s as comfortable as it can be. A must-poo for those who appreciate toilet design.

Lemmy – 1*
Only a handful of students have seen these poop-chutes while sober. For good reason, too. The thrones and sinks appear to have been lifted from cheap porta potties. Even in the middle of the day, fresh after cleaning, the aroma of vomit is overwhelming. Avoid at all costs, unless trying to buy condoms without anyone noticing. Not for me though, I purchase with pride.

Cornwall House Changing Rooms – 5* EDITOR’S CHOICE!
Don’t think you can only use these cans if you’re taking a dip in the refreshing on-campus pool. These are a spacious, out of the way alternative to the shithole shit holes of the Lemmy. Quirky and colourful loos, with exposed piping running down the wall. Each orange stall is covered with unique and sometimes profound graffitti. I won’t spoil it here, but if you’re interested in student bathroom culture, you must visit this feculence grotto at some point in your degree.

Follow official shit updates at @marcusbeard !

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